Numb

*Emma: … I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I know we broke up, but…

Adam: Emma, we didn't break up. We never started.*

1:42 a.m.

 A cup of warm, delicious black tea.

A pair of tired but sleepless eyes.

And thoughts. Loads and loads of skittish thoughts.  

Oh, and of course, memories.

Isn't it strange, that when your heart breaks, it’s not the pain, it’s not the tears; it’s the numbness. The shock that you could actually love someone so much that their absence made you feel hollow from the very tip of your nerves. ‘Cause if it doesn't feel like you’re going to break down any moment, then you probably never loved him enough. ‘Cause if it doesn't feel like your world is coming crashing down, then your life never really revolved around him.

Yeah, that’s how it feels. That’s exactly how lost and broken and inexplicably incomplete you feel.

Next comes the question, and the brooding: was he ever really made for you? When you were ready to leave every part of your precious world behind just to build a new world with him, was he even ready to cross a tiny hurdle for you? And if the answer is no, then he probably was never meant to be.

But then again, if he not being there makes you question your existence, even if he drives you crazy every single night, even if he challenges you, and even if he’s absolutely psychologically challenged, don’t give up on him. Don’t give up on the ‘us’ that can happen. ‘Cause if every dream of yours enfolds and ends with him, then he’s worth all the tears and those soggy pillows.

Love is never easy. It never was, it never will be. But you know what is easy? Loving someone. Loving them with every bit of love left in you, and loving each other; so much so that the universe will be forced to give up and make way for you. You didn't think and calculate and contemplate before falling in love, then why so after you've already fallen hard? Let time take its toll, let God pull the strings, let destiny guide you through. And amidst all this, just hold him close, and never let go. ‘Cause your love will be tested, every minute, every second. And you just have to get through.

‘Cause you know what awaits you at the end of the tunnel? Life. Your life with the one you love. A life of dreams come true. So, coming to think of it, a few scars and a handful of sleepless nights seems like a small price, doesn't it? J

*Wait, you should know that if you come any closer,
I'm not letting you go..*

Not yet

You’re holding my hand now

I don’t know when you’ll let go,

We’re living this moment together,

But you might as well find another.

Cause baby you’re not mine yet

I fear you’ll have your heart set,

And you might see in one or two

The things that I see in you.  

I see the look in your eyes

I smile at the thoughts that cross my mind,

I watch the future that’s yet to be

I dream of when you’ll notice me.

Cause the leaves have fallen

And the snow is melting,

The stars have shone down

 But my night is still empty.

 And when you come close

You can feel the beats I skip,

Don’t you do that to me

I’m losing control over the words I miss.

Cause darling it’s been you all along

The one who keeps me up all night,

The one who breaks my heart and makes me cry

But in the end makes everything alright. 

And now I’m waiting,

Waiting in the dark,

Waiting for the song to play,

Waiting for you to say.

Cause baby you’re not mine yet

I fear you’ll have your heart set,

And you might see in one or two

The things that I see in you.

- Sayantani Sarkar. 

Will you?

                                                                             

If I ever go missing,

Will you come looking for me?

Digging the junk of yesterday,

Will you be able to describe me?

If somewhere your memory betrays you,

If ever you fail to remember me,

Think of the places we explored together,

Think of the songs we discovered together.

The sun that shone on our faces,

The drops our footsteps left behind,

Will guide you through your way,

To a place that was once ours.

Touch your face, where the scar was,

Trace your lips, that I kissed everyday,

Drop a tear from those childlike eyes,

Eyes which made me dream of tomorrow.

Hold on to us, don’t give up too easily,

Promise me you’ll go on, promise me you’ll keep your promise,

Run to the alley, search the bridges,

Because I’ll be just there, waiting to be found.

- Sayantani Sarkar.

Metamorphosis

Life changes, and we change with it.

My life is going to change pretty soon; whether I’m going to change with it or not, is another question for another day.

But there’s something I know that will not change: the relationships I have, of love, of friendship; they’re all going to stay just where they are. That’s what I hope and that’s what I pray.

Three years back I came to the city of Calcutta to do my graduation. Having spent all my life in the heavenly country of Saudi Arabia, arriving to India leaving my friends, my home, my dad, was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I’d never felt so lost, so helpless, so empty. Thank God my mum was with me, but I still felt directionless. College had begun and yes, I’d found friends, but that was mainly cause I’m not somebody who can sit quietly at a corner for long. People in Calcutta were… different. Different from what I was used to seeing. If you ask me, they were downright weird.

But then, almost miraculously, I met an angel. Well, not literally, but yes, I met someone with whom I finally felt at ease. This person was my professor, Sritama Maitra- a dainty, petite, extremely pretty woman with Rapunzel-like hair; but most importantly, a person with a heart of gold. I’d kind of fallen in love with her on the very first day of college. And you cannot really blame me, because a disarming smile and an intelligent mind is one hell of an attractive combination. It was only a matter of time after which we went from being teacher-student to sisters and then to best friends. I told her every shitty, little thing that happened with me, and she just listened, without ever questioning, without ever judging. Harry Potter, College Street, Chelo Kababs, Pandal Hopping- we did every possible crazy thing together! And just like that, three years passed by. Gosh she even got married in all this time! :D

So Di, I want to tell you something today, something that I’ve been wanting to tell for quite a long time- thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there when no one else was. Thank you for being the most caring, loving, warm and understanding sister. Thank you for being the shoulder to cry on, and for making me laugh. And the one thing, for which I can never thank you enough, is for accepting me and loving me the way I am. :’) And also for giving me such a wonderful extended family. <3 I love you Di, for now and forever. :*

But Di is not the only one I want to thank here.

You see, graduation life can seem really long and arduous if you don’t have the right people to share it with. And man, did I have the right company or what.

On the first day of college, I met two girls. Two seemingly quiet and reticent girls. Little did I know that they almost parallel me in the insanity meter. They were Ankita Banerjee and Sarmisree Dasgupta. Initially we were all a bit hesitant about sharing everything, but as days went by, our friendship moved forward, and since then there has been no looking back. J

Soon enough we were named The Three Musketeers of our college.

Bearing A.G’s torturous lectures together, spending hours and hours at South City, getting on the wrong bus and then laughing about it in the middle of the road, eating yummy momos at cheap places, trying not to miss any pandal during Durga Puja, singing, dancing, fighting, Phuchkas, college ke bahar ka chaat stall- YES, the past three years were a roller coaster ride! :D

Of course thanks to Di’s tuitions, we had another member join our gang; who else but my very own sugarplum- Moumita Bhattacharjee. J Though we became friends kind of late, but I’m glad I met you, Mou, ‘cause you’re a gem of a person. <3

And wait, did I miss something? Oh yes, THE tuitions!

Now, tuitions are mostly described as a pain-in-the-ass, but when you have such a gorgeous teacher teaching you such an amazing subject, you can’t help but have the time of your life! :D I still remember the craaaazy fun we had studying Macbeth and every other beautiful story. And can we EVER forget the joke we made out of Browning’s My Last Duchess? NEVER! :D  Thank you again Di, for bringing us all together, and for making English Literature such a fun subject! J

Sarmi, Anki, Mou... I’ve never said this, but you people made me miss home a little less. Thank you so much for being the awesome friends that you people are. Thank you

for that awesome surprise on my 18^th birthday. Thank you for bearing my pagalpan, and a biiig thank you, for making my college life a joy ride. J Sarmi, extra thanks to you for giving me such an awesome jeeju. xD  Anki, thanks for being my music sharing buddy. And Mou, thanks for being just what you are. Stay the same, okay? :* I love you all. <3

So yeah, that was the summary of the past three years of my life. Well, almost.

Now I’m ready to enter a whole new phase and prepared to face and cherish every minute of it. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best.

Good bye till then,

Lots of love,

Creative Insanity.

Like a Blessing

You crawled into my life silently,

Like raindrops on lovers’ lips.

You gave me dreams,

Like shooting stars in a night sky.

You touched me with an inexplicable charm,

Like the flowers blooming in spring.

You filled me up with a divine glow,

Like a river that had run coarse and dry.

You brought back joy,

Like music flowing through a valley.

You gave me hope,

Like a presence unseen, like the wind around.

You pulled me back from the gates of Hell,

Like a magic touch running through the nerves.

You gave my existence a meaning,

Like Life re-given, like breath fresh and bound.

       -      Sayantani Sarkar. 

The Kiss of Joy

“Waha uss pahaad ki hawa mein ek nasha sa tha, aur wo nasha ishq tha.

Maine apni zindagi mein pehle itni khushi mehsoos hi nahi ki thi, pyaar ho gaya tha mujhe, aur main sabko uss pahaad ki choti se chilla-chilla ke ye baat  batana chahti thi. Lekin sabse zyada, main use batana chahti thi.

Pata nahi waha Bhairav ka mandir tha ki nahi, lekin phir bhi ek dua maangna chahti thi. Bahut simple. In fact, sirf ek shabd- Bunny.”

YJHD! <3

Some people just come into your life, without a signal, without a warning, just like that. Like a breath of fresh air. And you suddenly feel alive all over again. Alive, happy and content.

If you’re humming to yourself all day, smiling for no apparent reason or feeling happy just like that, then know that you've been blessed, and say a small thank you to God. And most importantly, don’t let it go- the love, the happiness, the feeling. Hold on to it, ‘cause this life has just begun. 

Today was awesome for a plethora of reasons; my best friend’s elder sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl J, India won the Champions Trophy :D aaand a very special person absolutely made my day (in various ways J). So yes, today was very memorable, and I've said my little prayer. Have you?

                            “Meri khamoshi se baatein chun lena,

                              Unki dori se tareefein bun lena..” <3

Stay happy and keep smiling,

Creative Insanity.

Hey There, Old Friend!

Decorating/arranging/re-arranging your bookshelf, or maybe just looking at it admiringly, according to me, is probably the best pastime ever!

It’s wonderful, isn't it? How much books have to offer you, without ever asking for anything in return?

I was just arranging my bookshelf (which I like to call My Little Paradise) a while ago, and like always, I couldn't help awing at all my babies. Placed in rows of genres, colors, stories and dreams, they looked like they were calling out to me. Books that have been read said, “You can always stop by my pages again, you know”, books that are yet to be read uttered, “I’m waiting for my magic to be discovered”, and then of course there were those books- Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Rapunzel, Aladdin… they pouted and whispered, “Hey buddy, long time no see”.

People have their own ways to escape from the mundane routine of life, and for me, books have always been the escape route. They have listened to me, understood me, pacified me, made me laugh, made me cry, all this without ever uttering a word of exasperation. Quite the true best friend, aren't they? J

“If I ever met you,

Down the road or someplace new,

My lips would curl into a smile

And I would just say ‘thank you’ “ J

So, that’s it for tonight. I've gotta go and drool over The Winchesters now, and then get lost in the world of And the Mountains Echoed. Goodnight, y’all.

Lots of love,

Creative Insanity.